oh, guys! what a time to be alive, huh? aren't we having fun... i think no matter whetheryou're a republican or a democrat, we gotta give trump creditwhen he deserves it. like, he pulled outof the paris agreement and i think he should getcredit for that, 'cause he saidhe was gonna pull out
and then he did, and that's a refreshing qualityin a man. (audience laughs) most men are like,"i forgot! i'll get you next time." oh, my god, there's gonna bea next time? and people say romance is dead. we do havetoo many men in charge. too many men.
they don't get us.they don't know. -(women whooping)-like, it's... yeah, seven of you. great. like i, uh... we, uh... you could see it with the transbathroom thing, you know, like, most politicians are men,so men are making the laws, and they thoughtthat if transwomen use women's bathroomsthat women would feel unsafe, and i think that comes froma fundamental misunderstanding
about what happensin a woman's bathroom. and to be fair,we have made it very mysterious. we always go in groups, there's a huge line outside, people go in,but they never come out... it's a wholewilly wonka situation. when we do finallyget back from the bathroom, we're all gigglyand you're like, "what happened?"
and we're like, "we can't say... but i have new hair now." so we have, we've made bathroomsvery mysterious. but in reality,in a woman's bathroom, at any pointif you see genitals, something has goneterribly wrong. we are very private people. no one's walking in the bathroombeing like, "labias out, ladies!
let's get to comparing." no, we go in the bathroom,we go in the stall, we lock the door,we pee, poop, or cry, and then we leave. the only thing we're everreally worried about is, "do they knowi'm the one that pooped? i tried to cough a lot, and only go whenthe hand dryer was on." which is a crazy thingfor women to worry about
in a woman's bathroom. who are youtrying to impress in there? if anything,you should poop very loudly. 'cause then if there'san attacker in there, he'll be like,"well not that one! i'm evil, not crazy!" that's goodself-defense in general. you have to walk homelate at night, fart the whole way.
be your own rape whistle. like, "not... (imitates fart)to... (imitates fart) ...day." that's a great strategy if you just accidentallyfart in public. like, you thoughtit was gonna be silent and then your body betrayed you, then next time just be like,"yeah! that was just a warning! i'm a very dangerous person! now if you turn your attentionback to this powerpoint..."
and i don't know why menare so concerned about our bathrooms. i worry about your bathrooms. you don't lock yourselvesin a stall, you just stand up against a walland watch each other pee. you have your pants undonewhile you're looking at a wall. you're just ripe for the raping. and you designed both bathrooms! you gave yourselvesthe shittier bathroom.
give yourselves enough stalls!sit while you pee! rest those legs! you gotta be tiredfrom stomping on us all day. (crowd appluads) seriously, i feel bad that men don't get to sitwhile they pee. you have to walk in the bathroomknowing what your intention is. you have to walk in the bathroombeing like, "i'm going to poop now."
women, we get to be like,"hey, i'm pooping now! this is a fun,surprise afternoon poop!" this has reallyturned my day around." stop it. stop using"we're protecting women" as your excusefor getting stuff done, it's bullshitand it's insulting. like i was on a date, a guy offeredto walk me to my door, he's like, "i just wanna makesure you get home safe."
no! that's notwhy you're doing it, that's your last-ditch effortto touch a boob. at that point of the night the most dangerous thingat my door is you. and if a robber came by, i don't think you'regonna do anything about it, 'cause earlier that nightat dinner i learned you havea gluten allergy. you can't protect mefrom a biscuit!
also, that's why you'renot comin' up! there's nothing less sexythan hearing a guy be like, "well, i can't eat bread." 'cause i'm gonna need youto be okay with yeast. (audience applauds) thanks a lot, guys.i'm michelle wolf.
0 Comment
Write markup in comments