Skin Deep

how do you think our family's history has affected us? oh god... [laughing] when was the time you were proudest of me, and why? maybe getting up to read that poem at your dad's memorial service. because nobody asked you to do anything, i didn't expect you to... you know, you weren't even 13,

and you found something very special that meant something to you. and you got up and did it. so... that made me feel like you knew who you were. and you wanted to- maybe i thought i did... yeah, well. what are the three best memories we share? i think some of the nice, one of my nicest earliest memories

is when i would come home from st. mark's and i would be in the kitchen, and the light would be coming through the windows, and you'd cook me tortellini, and i would just sit at the table and eat it. yeah. three best... what is the hardest thing about being a mother? oh, it's like watching...

watching your child make mistakes, and- and know that they're making them? well, from my point of view. i'm not you. and i'm not a young man, um in the middle of a family of three boys who lost their dad. i grew up in a very big, in a very different kind of a big 'nuclear' family. mhm. but, i would also say that it's been hard for me

to have the courage to be angry with you. i actually don't think i've done that enough. okay. you know? to be able to say "i think that's like a really fucking bad idea!" and to have more strength of purpose behind what i was thinking. sure. when do you think i take you for granted? and why? when do you think...

i don't think you've ever taken me for granted. i've never had that feeling, ever. really? i don't agree with you at all. i feel like i've, well... no, just because...yeah. what? you're going to have to explain that one to me. i just feel like i've kind of counted on you to be... the good one. i mean, i don't think that's taking me for granted

i think that's just hoping that there weren't that was going to be any extra, additional problems. mmm... i don't know if thats...well maybe that's taking me for granted. for my behavior. yeah, making assumptions about who i wanted you to be. but it didn't always stay like that. no. my behavior.

god. it wasn't that bad! yeah, but those things you were selling that i found in like the foot stool of that chair in your room... nitrous oxide canisters? yeah! i mean, you get them from a dining supply company. okay, whatever. if you could change one thing about me, what would it be? and why?

um... if i could change one thing about you... what would it be and why? well nothing is, hm, well... theoretically it's not unchangeable, but you're not a man. hm. you know? no, i know.

and that's very difficult, sometimes. only having a mother. and then the other men in your life being ones that are so com- could be so overbearing, and want you to do so much of the "right thing" and the "right decision." but it's difficult when you're a young boy growing up and you want to do things, and you have a mother, only a mother. that's very sensitive, and cares a lot about you, and worries about you... what do you think are my best qualities as a mother?

oh, god. understanding. i try. well, no, you do very well at that. you know, everyone asks me like, you know, "what happened with your work?" "what did your mum say?" "what did you..." and i just tell them sort of what you said to me when i came home. and i just said that i needed your help.

well you asked for help both from people at work and from me, and i think that's, that's one of the hardest things to do. to ask people for help. just to like, reach out and hope that somebody is gonna come towards you. and i find it hard to ask for help. i just, i wanna be seen as someone who knows how to get things done. why do you love me? [laughing' oh! how could i not love you?

oh my god, i think...that's a terrible question. so you don't have to answer it. no, because i just, i... you're my little benjamino... i used to call you um, my honey-coated mischief maker. well. you were, oh my god, so sweet. and you didn't always want to go out either.

it was really nice to just watch videos with you, and there are so many things. i think you're like, just a really beautiful person. and i'm really really proud that you're my son. thank you, mum. thank you. you know how much i love you. well done.

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