Borderline

people want to know what it's like living with borderline personality disorder. it feels like you aren't living at all, or, you are possibly too alive. you're a person that feels the highest of high and the lowest low. you're easily triggered by small things. the way a person looks at their watch while talking to you makes you feel unheard. someone telling you to think positive for a change makes you feel unseen. people telling you that suicide is for cowards makes you feel misunderstood. you find yourself living somewhat normal, and even happy one day then something triggers you and you quickly abandon everything

and anything that you're close to. relationships are the hardest. you find yourself constantly pushing the people you love the most away while the voices in your head are screaming stop. but you can't. and you slowly begin to destroy the relationships you care about the most. at times, you find yourself to be a burden, impossible for anyone to ever love. at times, you shine so bright and feel loved

but it can easily turn to dark when you're triggered by some small hurtful comment. anger pulses through your body and you struggle to control the darkness upon yourself. in order to control the pain, you can inflict harm on your body telling yourself you deserve it or to prove you're alive.

there is a constant thought of not wanting to live that you carry. at times it feels like a warm blanket. other times, you feel trapped in a nightmare. trusting people is difficult. there can be a fear that they will see the real you the dark you that you believe is unlovable. most of the time, you may struggle to know who you really are.

it's difficult to express how you really feel and you end up appearing like a tornado destroying relationships and opportunities. it can feel like the world is against you. and that things are happening to you. once the tornado has begun, you are hard to reach. you are a warrior in a dark forrest with no compass and are unable to tell who the actual enemy is.

so... you never feel safe. once the darkness becomes strong, you begin to implode, destroying yourself and any trace of you. then you have two choices. you can reach out for help. or, you may attempt a suicide. but as a borderline,

you are resilient and you try again. you've suffered so deeply so much of the time. you push on searching for hope, love, and compassion. i am borderline

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